numb

NUMB…..”emotional trauma from past events can cause people to numb themselves from all feelings, both emotional and physical…this happens when too much emotional pain from any kind of traumatic events has simply made all feelings, emotional and physical, seem unsafe. you learn to block out the pain and in the process, block out everything else too”.

NUMB…leprosy of the soul.  death of pleasure. isolation.  tempting…oh so tempting pillow of silence and grief to surround myself with.

SO many things recently happened that are painful and i am VERY tempted to go numb….to not feel anything because everything feels like raw pain.  betrayal, confusion, fear, abandonment…all of it.

if i go into the numb…let it be there and to grow, then i will no longer have the good and the deep connections i live for.  if i hold it close like a comforting blanket i am lulled into believing that i am safe and all will be well.  the wall that numbness brings will keep people away and i can say “see?  i am unlovely…unwanted…unlonged-for.”  and i keep running deeper into numb.

i REFUSE that.  i WILL fight it….i will SCREAM out loud to God…i will RUN with my dog to burn off the bad endorphins…i will find a dear friend and TALK so i dont hide….i will REMEMBER who i really am (daughter of the king, most prized and precious)….i will LAUGH when things are funny and i will CRY when things are sad.

and so.   i.   will.   not.   be.   NUMB!

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~ by kate on August 29, 2010.

One Response to “numb”

  1. You are a true fighter and You really are a daughter of the king.

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