through is out

•August 22, 2010 • Leave a Comment

but i never want to go into it to get out of it.  i want to turn away from it. i want to scream and beat it with my fists. i want to run in the opposite direction.

lean forward and bend into it, i was told.  instead i arched my back and reached behind me to try and escape.  it’s not possible to prepare yourself, no matter what you think you know going into it.  you want to be “smart” and think you’re ready.  you think it’ll take the edge off of it.  ha. there is NO WAY to take the edge off of it.

i want to cut it into tiny manageable parts so i can swallow it.  i want to wash it down with something else….to disguise it.  yes, i will try to do that.  but NO.  soon that is futile too.

there are only two options.  to shut down permanently or lean into it…go toward it.  shutting down and becoming bitter is definitely  a temptation.  it seems “safe” for awhile.  that is the pretending that IT didn’t happen.  put on a happy smile…do what is expected of you and just GO ON.

do you want to feel ALIVE?  to have deep satisfaction and joy? to have connections that go beyond the routine?  to have moments when your eyes fill with tears just for the sheer happiness of being there?  there is no other bridge to that place except through.

go forward…name it.  say the words you dont want to hear. cry the tears.  hold out your empty hands and see them.  feel the sting of the air when you reach out to touch and nobody is there.  hear the silence.  hold on and ride it.  it will pass.

on the other side there is a new day.  hope.  i stand up.  i try again.  i laugh and mean it.  i see the bright colors.  i hear the music.  i smell the scent of tranquil mint.  i reach out and touch the velvet feel skin.  i taste the sweetness.

through is out.  through is into hope.

job performance

•November 21, 2009 • Leave a Comment

i am trying hard to be a good employee at my “new” job.

i still feel a lot of numbness inside and its so hard to pretend.  i do good in some areas but the “performance” stuff catches me by surprise and i cant keep up.  they keep telling me to get it together but i cant keep all the plates spinning at one time.  they get mad and say they are gonna let me go if i dont.  so i have kicked it into high gear…my pretend life. but every time someone shows up that they dont know what to do with (messy, desperate, in enormous pain) guess who they give them to??  guess who they ask to put aside all the “tasks” that they set me at that are meaningless but are supposedly the things that are making them happy and keeping my job?  and they say…she can deal with them.  give them to her.  she is good at that.

this week i have not been able to look in the mirror b/c i feel such terrible shame at being the “problem child” in the office.  the one who makes my bosses furious with me cuz i cant do all the tasks – and i have to work so the kids can eat.  and yet – i feel humbly grateful for the lesbian who emailed me cuz she knew i would “be there” for her, and the autistic 17 year old boy who was violently abused and trusts me, and the 12 year old who rarely talks b/c of the unspeakable things that have happened to her but she whispers to me.

every day i wonder if i will make it through the day.

hiding

•November 21, 2009 • Leave a Comment

photo-961 i have been hiding for awhile. trying to find equilibrium. wanting to feel “ok”.  going to work.  cooking dinner.  watching movies and tv at night.  going to the grocery store.  helping with homework.  just doing “normal” tasks in the “normal” order.

the pain is not center stage.  it no longer has the leading role…it has less lines in the daily script.  but it pushes forward into the spotlight at unexpected times.  memories and feelings that come crashing in with no warning… brought in on a smell, a sound, a song.

for me community is defined by how “safe” it feels.  is that person safe?  how safe?  safe to tell them what?  is that gathering “safe”?  who will be there?  can i leave fast?  where is the exit?

when a person or an event edges too close to some invisible line that is inside of me, the reaction is quick and loud – DANGER.  i back off.  hide.  go away.  even as i go, i feel sad.  i long for the time when i laughed with abandon, looked forward to certain days of the week with friends, talked with people easily, and wanted to share all of who i was.

someday “hiding” will not define so much of who i am.

(i wrote this in april 2009…but didnt even want to hit the “publish” button)

beauty marred

•February 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

sophie & chicken poxshe has the chicken pox.  beautiful beautiful girl. her face, her tummy, between her toes and even in her eye.  itchy, painful..annoying.  happy chatty girl gone.  aggrevated sad girl here.  i keep telling her “it won’t be long”. 

you have an enemy.  he wants to kill and destroy.  he seeks out beauty and tries to annihilate it.  know it for certain.  if there is loveliness in you, know that he will go after it.  i have been told this and i have lived it.  

so much of life is about the apparent destruction of beauty.  the beauty of the heart – trust destroyed, joy silenced, hope evaporated, love extinguished. where does the beauty go when it is destroyed?  is it really GONE?

we will dance ’cause you restore the wasted years and
you will sing over all our coming fears and
we’ll stand grateful for all that has been left behind and all that goes before us

i wish that i could see life through your eyes…to gaze upon the canvas from your side.  to understand all that you’ve done before and to realize the plans that you have in store.  i can hardly wait until the time when you will turn my darkness into light and i’ll finally find my way to heaven’s door…where i won’t need my faith anymore….

the path for jonathan

•October 10, 2008 • 1 Comment

this is it.  this is the spot that jonathan & jessica have chosen to get married  – 7 weeks from today.  it will only be them, the minister, 2 friends, and me.  it is “their” beach…the place they fell in love.  that is what they tell me, anyway.

they say they are “sure”.  that they want to commit to each other forever.  when i talk to him, i hear the joy and the agony in his voice.  the joy of loving…the agony of loving.  yes, he is ready…ready to walk this path.  he will never “know” for sure any more than he does now.

but i know what is coming.  in the years ahead he will second guess this decision a MILLION times…he will have intense highs….he will have times when he walks away and comes back.  and someday, hope may die.  he might have to leave or she might leave him.  i want to protect him from it but i don’t.  he will be made in this…his character will be formed.  an easy path won’t bring that.  it will take a winding, sharp and fog-blinded path like the place they have chosen for this ceremony.  i am afraid that i will watch them both pitch head-first over the end of that mountain…wait, i KNOW that they will go over the edge…and they will either be dashed onto the rocks below – choosing to wall-off their hearts against each other or they will cling together and be resurrected.  they may be together “until death do you part” or they might not.

cynical?  realistic?  wise?  foolish?  i am all these things as i think about this.   i want to love them with open hands – accepting the highs and lows as they come.  crying and laughing with them as they go.  the pathway is difficult…but it is the pathway to life and beauty, even if they go different ways.

jonathan is choosing to risk.  jonathan is my son and i am SO proud of him.

dividing & selling my soul in pieces…

•October 7, 2008 • 1 Comment

i am becoming increasingly aware of a desire to grab at moments of pleasure to numb my soul against the continual onslaught of pain.  like a bird caught in a violent storm, i hunker down and search for a place to fly to – a place where the pounding of the storm might be shut out, if even for a short time.

i have been told that flying to Him is no guarantee that the storm will stop….He doesn’t promise to keep it out.  He does promise that one day all the pieces of me that i have divided up and sold out will be returned and that the storm will one day be over…in another life.   He asks me to just have “faith” to know that the promises are true – live like they are true.

i don’t want to sit in this storm.  i want comfort and rest and answers and safety.  i want it now.  i want things my way.      I   I   I             me       me      me

how do i get through the storm without selling all of my soul?  tell me HOW.

the storm even drowns out any sound of other birds caught in the same onslaught, the hope of the sun shining is all but extinguished.  the other shelters seem better and more real…so much more inviting…they are too hard to ignore.

i am SO weak and SO slow to live out of what i should already know.

let go & hold on

•October 1, 2008 • 1 Comment

let go. just open up your hand and let go.  i wish it was that easy…

i want to decide what is best for me and what i need to hold on to and what i need to let go of.  i don’t want God to have that.  that is too risky.  He might mess up.  He might make me leg go of something important to me and He might make me hold on to something i want to let go of.

He has a really different idea about the worth of things compared to my idea about the worth of things.  i see dust, He sees gold…He sees dust, i see gold.

hold on.  just close your hand over Mine and hold on.  i wish it was that easy…

holding on requires strength.  i feel very weak.  what if i can’t endure and hold on for a long time?  then i will let go and fall headlong into the blackness.

saturday i sat in the front of a restaurant in disney world waiting to be seated at our table.  the ‘host’ stood beside me.  he suddenly looked at me and said ‘so what did you do today?’  in that place, teaming with people, noise, color, greed, narcissism…how could i say i had been to a conversation about how to walk on the narrow way??  how incredibly absurd!  i paused as i looked into his eyes, trying to measure the level of LIFE inside him…how would he react?  as i looked he smiled a slow gentle smile…ok, i thought, take the RISK.  when i told him, he said ‘isn’t it amazing how we think we have to stay on that narrow road by our own strength when it is really Him that holds us there?’  i was silenced by these wise words amidst the caucaphony and chaos around us.  for a moment there was a warmth and intimacy that only happens between those who KNOW.  and then he was called to his job and simply turned and walked away.  the I AM of the universe holds ME.

in Dante’s inferno he writes that there is a sign over the doorpost to hell.  the sign says “all you who enter here abandon HOPE”.  letting go and holding on both feel like they require great HOPE.  i don’t have very much of that in reserve right now.  it was severely depleted by the storms i have sat in lately.  i don’t want to be in hell – help me let go and hold on.

all i can try to do is lift up my hand and ASK.