alone but surrounded

i am alone but surrounded by people “doing” life.  i watch them with envy – i even envy their disconnect.  they have routines and they do things they enjoy.  to me the world is black and white. no color.

i had lunch with a friend.  there is so much risk in friendship.  what if i am betrayed again?  could i survive that?  it doesn’t feel like i would.  not now.  not anytime soon.

people get tired of being with someone who is deeply wounded.  they don’t know what to say.  they don’t know how to sit with someone in silent vigilance as the lament goes on and on.  i don’t want to be pitied.  to feel like i am a burden.  so i try to find ‘pleasant’ things to talk about.  ways to relieve the other person from having to figure out how to be with me until i can find a reason to escape.

now and again -rarely- there is someone who has been through great struggle and can stay present with me.  their company is an oasis in the desert.  a pinhole of light!  a song of solomon moment.  i want to become that for others who are wounded.  i want to be better at sitting quietly in the face of pain or walking the emotional landscape with them – whatever it looks like.  i hope i never forget what it feels like to be in a crowd of people and feel completely alone.

around & around

stop this craziness, i want to get OFF!

still feeling HUGE buckets of intense emotions and no idea what to do with it all.

gulping sobs, blinding fury, gut-lurching fear, twirling confusion…that in the space of one afternoon.

“here i am Lord and i’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness, the chains of yesterday surround me, i yearn for peace & rest…” casting crowns – east 2 west

my head knows that somewhere in the past i have heard that there is a “cleft in the rock”, but i am a wandering sheep on that craggy rock, unable to hear the Shepherd’s voice in this sandstorm directing me to the safety of the cleft.  with a learned helplessness i sit with the sand blowing in my face wondering how i am to respond.

what do You expect me to DO?  i want to RUN but there seems to be no place to go.  i would run to You if i knew where You were, but i can’t find You.  why do you hide Your face from me?  is this sandstorm really what i deserve?  am i just to endure or do You want me to fight?  how can i endure or even fight this thing that YOU are allowing anyway?  when will enough be enough?  what ARE YOU DOING?

and the heaven’s stay silent.

“stand still and see the salvation of the Lord” (exodus 14:13)  moses told that wretched bunch of people sitting at the edge of the red sea…egyptians on the other side careening toward them with horses and spears…they were skinny, starved slaves…weak from being overworked…bent from being beaten…no fight left in them…no weapons to defend themselves…no place to run.  they were told to stand still and see what You would do…and You came through with something big.

how long will this blurring spinning go on?  please show up.

broken~hearted

broken hearted: despair; disillusionment; devastating sorrow, esp. from disappointment in love.

so much loss and sadness today.  these are the worst days – i can’t go numb enough and i feel like i am shattering…like a crystal glass hits the floor and goes into a million pieces…

when will the breaking stop?  will re-forming ever begin?

the heaven’s are silent.  there are no answers, no comfort, no rain in the dry places.

WHERE ARE YOU??                                             ‘jesus wept’ john 11:35

disassociation

i used to hate that word because it meant vacating a place of ‘realness’.  choosing to not be in reality and the present.  now this word describes large portions of my day.  i wake up and as reality pushes away the cobwebs…the beautiful dreams where there is no pain and where i laugh with “lost” friends…i quickly grab for disassociation, and wrap it around me.  how can i best make it through this day…survive?

quickly i run over what needs to be done and i dive in…submerging my head in the waters of busy-ness…help me forget.

its 6 am…i need to get j. out of bed to shower first.  he gets up and i clean up any toys i missed last night…i turn on the news…i need the noise…help me forget.  i make lunches…i get ja. and e. up and help e. pick clothes…she is talking, talking, talking…keep talking, e…help me forget.  now it is 7 am and j. leaves to catch the bus.  ja. likes me to take him in the car to school.  e. wants to ride the bus and she leaves on her bike to go to the bus stop as i take ja. to school…the one i worried about the most, e., is the most independent…driving and moving…help me forget.  i get back home at 8 am.  s. is waking up.  she is talking, talking, talking…keep talking, s., help me forget.  i help her pack her lunch, throw the clothes in the washing machine, re-load the dishwasher, and change into my gym clothes.  s. and i climb into the car and i drop her at the bus stop.   alone now…harder to forget.

driving to the gym…9 am.  i am driving too fast…help me forget!  turn the radio up loud – loud rock music…HELP ME FORGET.  i get to the gym and put in my ipod.  don’t talk to me or look at me, anyone.  i am here to forget.  i ride the machines for an hour…soaking wet and exhausted…loud music banging in my ears…forget…forget…FORGET.

back in the car alone and on the way home…i can’t forget!  i cry all the way home.

at home i change out the laundry, tidy up and then walk the dog…help me forget.  chores done…it’s quiet…FORGET…i scream out loud, but it screams back and won’t go away.

disassociation: 1. the state of being unconnected in memory or imagination; 2. a state in which some integrated part of a person’s life becomes separated from the rest of the personality and functions independently

if i am integrated i will spend all day awash in agony.  if i disassociate i am numb and “gone”.  is there no gray area?

dan allender asks this question:  do i believe that God is a loving Father who is committed to my deepest well-being, that He has the right to use everything that is in me for whatever purposes He deems best, and that surrendering my will and my life entirely to Him will bring me the deepest joy and fulfillment i can know this side of heaven?

right now i am closer to this:  the last thing God seems to be is a loving Father.  He’s the One who allowed me to be abused in the first place, so how can i trust Him to have my best interests at heart in the present?  as far as i’m concerned, God is selfish, demanding and i’m tired of being ‘used’ by Him and everyone else.  surrendering my will and my life to God can’t result in anything that’s really good for me.  in fact, i’m sure it would be the end of me, once and for all.

i stand with a raised fist…You tell me not to FORGET?  then You better DO something!  You need to FIX this!

no matter how hard i try, i just can’t forget…

uprooted

i have to try to begin again. i hate my life right now. i’m not really sure who i am, what i care about, who my real friends are, what is truth…

not a “mid-life crisis” – a more serious crisis of faith, hope and love.

“Locked-In Syndrome – a condition in which a patient is aware and awake, but cannot move or communicate due to complete paralysis of nearly all voluntary muscles in the body. The condition has been described as the closest thing to being buried alive”.

i have been buried alive with no way to dig out.

my whole life i have been a fighter – tons of energy, tons of initiative, not hesitating, impulsive even. always an idea or vision of how to move. every crisis of my life i have “figured something out” and moved on.

this time i have no idea of what has really happened and how to even begin to “go on”. i am in shock still – a “just survive” kind of place. i concentrate on just breathing and doing whatever the very next thing is. i have experienced panic attacks for the first time in my life – true heart-pounding, terror on the run moments when i have to talk myself down. i take medicine just to be able to think through the basic routines of the day.

so what happened? what are the circumstances that have so dismantled me? no big deal, really…just that my marriage is over and has been for a long time, even though i have just realized it in the past 6 months. the community of people that i have lived in, gone to church in, raised children in, worked in, cried and laughed in…is gone. how about a tsunami? yea, that is what happened. it is like a tsunami wave came and swallowed up my whole community.  people are gone. daily routine is gone.  comfort is gone. rest is gone.

something happened…secrets revealed…hearts exposed…the interior became the exterior…words unsaid were said…words that should have been said were not said…fear gripped wise hearts and shut them down…wisdom ran away…love fell asleep…hope disappeared.

a storm of emotion came through and wiped out warm places that had been carved out and lived in for so long.

i want to learn to not feel the emotions swirling in my head…i want to be in a coma – a floaty calm of nothingness and dreams, but instead i have “locked-in syndrome” where i feel intensely but can’t express it.

i can’t express it because there is nobody to trust anymore. nobody to feel safe with. nobody to hold me when i cry and tell me it will be ok because it will never be ok again. nothing will be “good” or “enjoyed” for a long time, if ever. laughter is hollow and unsatisfying. the wine only dulls for a short time before thought rushes back in and makes me gasp with pain.

maybe if i try and write then i might find all my tears and they will flow into a river of healing. maybe then i can find the key to unlock the “locked-in” door…