back

to begin again

and.  they say you’re not supposed to start a sentence with “and” but i want to use it this time because i want to feel like this is a continuation of what i started almost 9 years ago here in these posts…the uprooting of what i thought was “real” and the destruction of it…so that i could actually move to…a better place…or maybe just “move” instead of being stagnant.

when my dear friend died about a year ago he told me – “write.  please write.”  he told me more about how my writing had helped him and others but to say it would sound less than humble so I will just say this – if i can take what is inside me and make it outside of me and that in so doing it gives truth a place to grow in others then yes – i will write.

ritual….any practice or pattern of behavior regularly performed in a set manner.  think about all the things you do as a pattern…and the comfort of the patterns.  how do you sleep at night (on your side, on your back, against your partner)? how do you wake yourself up (coffee, shower, news)? how do you choose clothes and do your work and eat your food and clean up?  all of these patterns are part of our humanity…our comfort and ability to cope and understand life.  when i talk to people in a crisis, i will take them back to the rituals of life that they knew before the crisis so that they can find some “ok” again enough to find some way to make peace in the tragedy.  looking back at some of what i wrote in 2008…2009, i think one my main goals was how to find “ok” when everything i felt like i knew was snatched away from me.  the rituals of life have finally brought me back to “ok” and an ease of life.

but god. he has taken me now to a place where “ok” is not enough now.  now he wants a deepening…to take me to a new level of relationship with him…a place where i actually can choose to NOT be “ok” so that he can change things.  i can’t pretend to “like” this but i will say that i am so compelled to it…it feels impossible to deny him what he wants…and there is a certain place of relief with that.  i am caught up in a love that is all around me and new rituals are starting so that i can let go of “ok” and go to wilder places.

getting the wind knocked out of me

lots of small and medium sized blows today have left me feeling like i have gotten the wind knocked out of me.  having to be strong where others can’t be.  pushing through on promises made and needing to be kept in spite of the difficulty of it that builds.  hope – tender and small – crushed.  the seemingly endless parade of having to “try” and no prospect of comfort or relief.  and through all that keeping a “brave face”.

11:00 pm and i have almost made it through the day when the song came on the radio:

I’m standing on a bridge
I’m waiting in the dark
I thought that you’d be here by now
There’s nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I’m listening but there’s no sound

Isn’t anyone tryin to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home
It’s a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won’t you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are
But I… I’m with you
I’m with you

I’m looking for a place
I’m searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
‘Cause nothing’s going right
And everything’s a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn’t anyone trying to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home
It’s a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won’t you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are
But I… I’m with you
I’m with you

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I’m just out of my mind
Yea yea yea

It’s a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won’t you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are
But I… I’m with you
I’m with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are
But I… I’m with you
I’m with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are
But I… I’m with you
I’m with you
I’m with you…

and now…..breathless with pain.  undone by the lonely voice in the song.  unraveled by the thought of not belonging to anyone.  sure that very little note would be paid to your own disappearance.  hoping to evaporate – knowing it would be a welcome relief.

too much.  i am still way too much.  feeling too much. analyzing too much.  stop.  stop being this way.  find a safer way “to be”.  where oh where is that place?

unspeakable pain

in the dark of the night there are no words for the quiet fearful places. there is no way to speak about the things the mind imagines and twists. reality distorts – what is real?  breathing comes in ragged gasps – the stomach grips in agony – hands shaking.  alone.  nobody.  no rescue.  no light.

the spring the african violets bloomed

“they are very fragile – you cant touch the leaves or they will die.” how can something that looks so fuzzy and soft to touch be so UNTOUCHABLE? i always loved the violets when i was a kid. i would touch them when my mom wasnt around – gently feeling the velvety leaves beneath my fingers. so when it was my turn to have a house i wanted THOSE plants. for over 20 years i tried to grow the violets. they were scraggily, measly things. no blooms EVER. i found warm sunlit windows and carefully monitored their water. i read books and added “food” and special nutrients to their dirt. dirt. yes, dirt can have nutrition added to it. still the illusive beauty of the violets was not mine.

in and out of the dark days of the past three years i have continued to water the half dead, pathetic violets. i just couldnt choose to throw them out. not one single plant would actually totally DIE. some went down to one or two wilted leaves, but seemed to hold on somehow. there were four…..four disgraceful, poor examples of a prized and beautiful race of plants.

about four months ago i noticed a subtle but distinct change in the almost dead plants. deep in their cores i could see something happening. every few days i would peak at them. it looked like there might be life in there. a light green leaf or two popped out. one plant poked out a tiny pink bud. whoa. what is that? seriously? how can there be anything left in there??

today i have 10 large glorious plants that are bursting with blooms – deep royal purple, baby lips pink, bubble gum pink, something that looks like purple and white stripes, a gentle and amazing flower that looks like it is outlined in a dark magic marker. and leaves….so so many leaves. the leaves are what i cut off to make new plants – putting them to root in water. in 3 short weeks they become a new plant. there are 5 new ones starting as i write. sometimes the money i have spent on pretty pots out numbers my food budget amount for the week! my savings account statement glares at me and asks – is this really NECESSARY?? yes….oh yes oh yes oh yes! this is HOPE. this is the year that somehow these wretched plants chose to LIVE. i have to be a part of it. i have to choose it WITH them. i AM them.

i am on the edge of another great and powerful storm – a storm that will again threaten the delicate moorings i have leaned into lately. i fear that it will blow deep into the very interior of my heart and soul, threatening to drive out the last bits of light and life lodged there. it might.

i just hope the violets live….if they can, maybe i can.

safe

what is SAFE today?   i FEEL safe at this moment.  but i do know that more will happen and is about to happen that has the potential to crush me terribly.

so what do i do? run from this place of safety today since i know that it will not always be this way?  or can i just enjoy the moment?  is it good to just enjoy this island in the storm?

i am full of questions.  the questions asked make me start to feel unsafe.  so should i ignore the questions?

i started this post in december 2010.  2 weeks later a crushing storm DID hit me.  i was rocked to the depths of my soul….AGAIN.   i really was feeling at rest in a way i have not in many years.  i wanted it to stay that way.  for just a bit longer.  but it didn’t.  and so.  here i am again.  ripped apart –  a raw nerve longing for cover.  vulnerable.  exposed.

YOU are my rock – my hiding place.  i long to bury myself in Your chest and cry.

HOLD ME.

when i feel less than more

when i share my soul and it they ignore it i feel less.  when i offer my heart and they say it is not enough i feel less.  when i give my all and they take it and throw it away i feel less.  inside i am screaming – I AM MORE.  do not make me less.  i don’t want to believe it when they tell me i am less – when by their actions they brand me “less”.  i want to believe that i am more.  that i am deeply valued and treasured.  but i am afraid – the fear inside tells me i am wrong.  it tells me that maybe i AM less.  that i am adrift in the vast ocean of humanity and don’t matter at all.  that there is NOTHING special about me.  i am not desired and wanted by anyone.

there is a quiet speaking inside.  it is firm and swirls around me like a warm blanket.  YOU ARE MINE.  i want to cling to this speaking.  i want to always believe it and never doubt it.  why is it so hard to hold on to it? why does it seem to vanish like a fog in the sunlight when certain people speak?

maybe one day i will be certain of it – certain that i am glorious and special.  that i hold great honor in His heart.  how i long for that day!  i really want to say goodbye to the days of feeling less than more.

what you give is what you get

sometimes i really wish i had more. more quiet time, more money, more space around me.  most nights i sit on my bed and there are at least 2 and often 3 children surrounding me.  usually a cat or even a dog joins us.  always up against me.  always around me.  always talking, asking, needing – something!

what would it be like to complete a thought?  to finish an idea?  to have time to create an intricate anything??

well i guess i would be surrounded by lovely things…THINGS.  color, designs, peace, tidiness.  music.  smells.

i have traded that for the music of voices.  the smell of burnt food, dog poop, mouse cage, dirty feet, teenage boy sweat and toothpaste when i am kissed by a happy child. clutter…glorious chaos!  the color and design of clean and dirty clothes piled up around me, shoes in piles by the door, groceries stacked on the table, school books leaning against the wall.

tonight i am at peace.  i have what i have always wanted.  its what i get because its what i give.  wonderfully messy love.

numb

NUMB…..”emotional trauma from past events can cause people to numb themselves from all feelings, both emotional and physical…this happens when too much emotional pain from any kind of traumatic events has simply made all feelings, emotional and physical, seem unsafe. you learn to block out the pain and in the process, block out everything else too”.

NUMB…leprosy of the soul.  death of pleasure. isolation.  tempting…oh so tempting pillow of silence and grief to surround myself with.

SO many things recently happened that are painful and i am VERY tempted to go numb….to not feel anything because everything feels like raw pain.  betrayal, confusion, fear, abandonment…all of it.

if i go into the numb…let it be there and to grow, then i will no longer have the good and the deep connections i live for.  if i hold it close like a comforting blanket i am lulled into believing that i am safe and all will be well.  the wall that numbness brings will keep people away and i can say “see?  i am unlovely…unwanted…unlonged-for.”  and i keep running deeper into numb.

i REFUSE that.  i WILL fight it….i will SCREAM out loud to God…i will RUN with my dog to burn off the bad endorphins…i will find a dear friend and TALK so i dont hide….i will REMEMBER who i really am (daughter of the king, most prized and precious)….i will LAUGH when things are funny and i will CRY when things are sad.

and so.   i.   will.   not.   be.   NUMB!

through is out

but i never want to go into it to get out of it.  i want to turn away from it. i want to scream and beat it with my fists. i want to run in the opposite direction.

lean forward and bend into it, i was told.  instead i arched my back and reached behind me to try and escape.  it’s not possible to prepare yourself, no matter what you think you know going into it.  you want to be “smart” and think you’re ready.  you think it’ll take the edge off of it.  ha. there is NO WAY to take the edge off of it.

i want to cut it into tiny manageable parts so i can swallow it.  i want to wash it down with something else….to disguise it.  yes, i will try to do that.  but NO.  soon that is futile too.

there are only two options.  to shut down permanently or lean into it…go toward it.  shutting down and becoming bitter is definitely  a temptation.  it seems “safe” for awhile.  that is the pretending that IT didn’t happen.  put on a happy smile…do what is expected of you and just GO ON.

do you want to feel ALIVE?  to have deep satisfaction and joy? to have connections that go beyond the routine?  to have moments when your eyes fill with tears just for the sheer happiness of being there?  there is no other bridge to that place except through.

go forward…name it.  say the words you dont want to hear. cry the tears.  hold out your empty hands and see them.  feel the sting of the air when you reach out to touch and nobody is there.  hear the silence.  hold on and ride it.  it will pass.

on the other side there is a new day.  hope.  i stand up.  i try again.  i laugh and mean it.  i see the bright colors.  i hear the music.  i smell the scent of tranquil mint.  i reach out and touch the velvet feel skin.  i taste the sweetness.

through is out.  through is into hope.

job performance

i am trying hard to be a good employee at my “new” job.

i still feel a lot of numbness inside and its so hard to pretend.  i do good in some areas but the “performance” stuff catches me by surprise and i cant keep up.  they keep telling me to get it together but i cant keep all the plates spinning at one time.  they get mad and say they are gonna let me go if i dont.  so i have kicked it into high gear…my pretend life. but every time someone shows up that they dont know what to do with (messy, desperate, in enormous pain) guess who they give them to??  guess who they ask to put aside all the “tasks” that they set me at that are meaningless but are supposedly the things that are making them happy and keeping my job?  and they say…she can deal with them.  give them to her.  she is good at that.

this week i have not been able to look in the mirror b/c i feel such terrible shame at being the “problem child” in the office.  the one who makes my bosses furious with me cuz i cant do all the tasks – and i have to work so the kids can eat.  and yet – i feel humbly grateful for the lesbian who emailed me cuz she knew i would “be there” for her, and the autistic 17 year old boy who was violently abused and trusts me, and the 12 year old who rarely talks b/c of the unspeakable things that have happened to her but she whispers to me.

every day i wonder if i will make it through the day.